We usually enter these last couple months of the year leading up to the holidays with mixed feelings. . . all the way from fear, anxiety, and dread to excitement, anticipation, and joy. What we feel in different situations largely depends on what we’re looking for (i.e., what desire is motivating us) and our attitude toward each situation. It can be difficult to manage this spectrum of feelings, and so we end up asking ourselves if it’s possible to be truly happy or even joyful throughout the holiday season.
We may not be able to arbitrarily choose to be happy all the time, but we do have the ability to choose how we respond in various situations. To do so, though, we need to stop, reflect, and pay attention to what’s going on around us and how we’re reacting. How we choose to intentionally respond in a given situation can have a direct influence on the depth and endurance of our happiness. The Four Levels of Happiness can be an excellent framework to help in this reflection as we enter into the holiday season.
How I Can Create My Own Personal “Hell”
One of the ways our happiness can be squelched is our attitude toward others when it comes to gift-giving and gathering with family and friends. That is, if we approach our interactions from a more self-serving perspective, then we’re going to be more concerned about what’s most convenient for us and what others are going to think. We can get stuck in a Level 2 ego comparative trap. This can appear when we agonize over questions like:
- What will someone think if I don’t buy them the right gift?
- Is it too expensive or not expensive enough?
- Am I buying enough gifts?
- What is everyone going to think if I don’t have everything just perfect?
- Where am I going to find time to do everything? I’ve got to get the tree up and decorate the house to look better than the neighbors.
- When am I going to do all my baking?
Do any images from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation come to mind? Or it can go the other way, too:
- Does everyone really have to come over here for dinner?
- Can’t we just have a nice, quiet holiday this year?
- I really don’t want to get into an argument about Trump again!
- The house is going to be a mess.
And we can even stress ourselves out about being stressed out and can find ourselves thinking. . . I realize that I really shouldn’t be getting uptight about all of this; shouldn’t I be focused on the “reason for the season”?
What compounds these problems is that often, it’s easier to cope with the stress by resorting to Level 1 relief like alcohol, smoke, pills, Hallmark movies, etc. It can become a vicious cycle.
The reason we are often caught up in all of this angst is that our motivations default to competition and comparison. Fr. Spitzer teaches that if we allow ourselves to be dominated by Level 2 desires and motivations, we can slip into the Comparison Game, and when we do that, we “create our own personal hell.” When our primary source of happiness in life is winning or being better than everyone else, there are only three possible outcomes: winning, losing, or drawing, and none of them have a happy outcome. As a result of the Comparison Game, anger, jealousy, inferiority, suspicion, and even contempt for others can begin to seep in. Here’s a good overview of the Comparison Game:
How Can I Get Out of this “Hell” and Experience a Sense of Joy?
It pretty much boils down to how we view our sense of meaning in life and, ultimately, how I view others. When we are dominated by Level 1 and Level 2 drivers, our sense of meaning centers on our ego, that is, how we stack up to others, e.g. am I getting the upper hand? Do I look better than others? Am I looking for the “bad news” in my family, friends, and co-workers so that I can feel better about myself? How do my gifts compare to yours? This can all often feel like being trapped. Our sense of freedom is limited to those fleeting moments when we feel superior, but ultimately, that’s when we can become isolated, alienated from others, and feel most alone. . . thus, a form of hell.
Rather, when we are dominated by Level 3 and Level 4 desires, our sense of meaning is rooted in how we contribute to the well-being of others. Our gifts to family and friends come from the heart. We are concerned about the “Giving Tree” at Church. We are looking for the “good news” in others. We seek to understand their needs and concerns over our own. These feelings are rooted in empathy and love, essentially “the reason for the season,” right? As a result, we are able to tune into the deepest desire for transcendent joy within our hearts. We reflect on how God wants us to mirror the incarnation of His son, Jesus Christ, in the world. This is when we then feel true freedom, the freedom that results from committing to something larger than ourselves.
When we intentionally CHOOSE and focus on the well-being of others, a more pervasive and enduring sense of happiness begins to blossom. We invite people into our homes and serve them out of a true spirit of hospitality and community. We seek others’ comfort and happiness over our own. We let go of how we think they perceive us. Our home and decorations bring a spirit of peace. When we CHOOSE to first seek God’s kingdom during this time, true joy can begin to envelop us. Fr. Spitzer shared a profound moment during the holidays when he experienced this transcendent joy:
